


If You Want to Make Odin Laugh, Tell Him Your Plans

by alternatively_troublesome



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Canon-Typical Violence, Happy Ending, Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 05:53:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18772543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alternatively_troublesome/pseuds/alternatively_troublesome
Summary: It's the revised Ragnarok ending no one asked for!In which Thor realizes his fav is problematic, Valkyrie makes plans instead of following them, and Hela isn't actually that different from her loser brothers (to her chagrin).





	If You Want to Make Odin Laugh, Tell Him Your Plans

**Author's Note:**

> Please enjoy my gratuitous use of the fantastic phrase "Devil's Anus."

THOR

 

In retrospect, Thor acknowledges that he should have known that nothing good can happen once you enter the Devil’s Anus. But he had been feeling cocky, sure that nothing the universe threw at him couldn’t be beat.  _ Yes _ , he was missing his hammer.  _ Yes _ , he hated his new haircut. And,  _ yes _ , he  _ had  _ promised that he wouldn’t force the lame science man of the team (without a doubt, Tony was the cool science man) to transform into what would definitely be their greatest weapon in this fight. None of that had ever stopped him, though! 

(Granted, none of that had ever happened before, but he was sure he’d muddle through.)

And then they’d hit Asgard, and all Hel had broken loose. Quite literally! See Hela was loose and her name is just one letter away from Hel--it’s funny, it’s a good joke. Or, it is until the moment Thor understands that none of the events that are about to transpire would go according to plan.

“It seems our father’s solution to every problem,” Hela was telling him, her voice cool as a blade, “was to cover it up.” Thor remembers the ceiling above, his image hiding the sordid past of his father and long-lost sister. He remembers the way his father had plucked Loki from his homeworld, transplanted him into their family, hidden his past for so long. It was what his father  _ did _ , Thor realizes. A bad habit that Odin had never really broken.

“Or to cast it out,” Thor adds ruefully. Part of him had never really understood why his father believed the solution to Thor understanding what it means to be a prince and, some day, a king, had been exiling him to Midgard. Couldn’t Odin have taught him, guided him? He was grateful to have met Jane and the other small humans, but he had always wondered: wasn’t there another way? He had been Odin’s favorite, but he had been cast out just as his other siblings had been. The only difference was that he had remained just as loyal. Or just as ignorant.

“He told you you were worthy. He said the same thing to me.” All it once, Thor begins to understand that Hela isn’t evil on her own. Their father had doused the spark of violence in her with gasoline, pushed and prodded her until she became the tyrant that was standing before Thor today, reminiscing about brutal days of conquering filled with blood and gore. If Loki had been given the chance to redeem himself, why couldn’t she have the same opportunity?

“I understand why you’re angry,” Thor admits, because he  _ did _ . He was angry, too. “You are my sister and technically you have a claim to the throne. And,” he scoffs, “believe me, I would love for someone else to rule.” He pauses, trying to find the words he wish he could have told Loki at the beginning of it all. “But it can’t be you. There are better ways to run a kingdom than with violence and fear.”

“Okay, get up. You’re in my seat,” Hela sneers, returning to her battle gear.

“You know,” Thor sighs, reluctantly rising from the throne, “father once told me that a wise king never seeks out war.” He knows as soon as he’s said it that that is not the way to win Hela over, a fact which she confirms when she runs at him, ready for a fight to the death.

 

~

 

VALKYRIE

 

“This stupid dog won’t die!” Valkyrie complains, releasing the trigger of her admittedly oversized gun. She thought it was going to be overkill - ha! Ironically, it did absolutely nothing whatsoever to Hela’s killer pet. Valkyrie begins to run plans through in her mind.

A. Get off this bloody useless ship and fight the thing head on. Most likely will be impaled on massive teeth. No-go.

B. Keep shooting and pray that, eventually, some bullets hit the right spot. Will probably get most of Asgard’s remaining population killed in the process. Not great.

C. Fly the ship directly into the beast. Good chance that jumping out at last second could work. Not sure saving little man in tight pants will work, but worth a try. Not too shabby.

She’s just about to make her way to the cockpit when the determined looking guy stops in front of the open door--she thinks he’s going to fall, he looks like the type to fall off a ship by accident--and heaves a sigh at her.

“Everything’s going to be alright,” he says, and she’s about to agree because she’s found the stupid plan when he adds, “I got this.”

She doesn’t even get to verbalize her first thought-- _ seems unlikely _ \--when the man, honest to Odin,  _ throws  _ himself off the ship. For a split second, she thinks he’s about to reveal some great secret, but instead he just bounces limp across the bridge, his body landing in a mangled and clearly dead heap. 

“Huh,” she observes, sparing only a second before turning towards the front of the ship, but a commotion draws her attention back down below.  _ That son of a _ \--Valkyrie doesn’t understand how such a boring little man could be hiding his secret Hulk identity, but she’s adaptable, she’s willing to go with it. Hulk is strong, that’s for sure, but is he strong enough to beat the Asgardian dog-wolf-thing? Probably not, Valkyrie decides as it pulls Hulk below the surface of the water, pulling him dangerously close to the waterfall at Asgard’s end.

A quick inventory of the situation: Hela’s corpse soldiers have latched onto the hull of the ship, the gun is most definitely not effective in this battle, and Hulk is about to be chucked into oblivion. Birds, meet stone.

The crash is miraculous, really. Somehow, Hela’s minions never catch on to the fact that they could easily swing into the ship through the gaping entrances on either side of the ship, so they just keep banging uselessly on the hull. Valkyrie is nearly ready to jump ship when she gets a stroke of genius, releasing the Grandmaster’s ridiculous fireworks to draw some attention away from Heimdall and, apparently, Loki. Valkyrie lands squarely on the bridge, sword already drawn, and the ship lands squarely on the gigantic wolf, dazing it just enough to give Hulk his chance to throw it down the waterfall. 

 

~

 

THOR

 

Losing his eye is not part of the plan. Actually, it’s very much not a part of any plan Thor has ever concocted, with good reason. He tries to push the pain down to focus on Hela’s words, her grip around his neck, on finding some way to beat the most powerful person he’s ever gone toe to toe with.

“You see, I’m not a queen or a monster,” she drawls, ignoring the way Thor is about ready to pass out. “I’m the goddess of death.”

Thor doesn’t really hear what she says next, doesn’t really notice much of anything, and then Odin is before him, a ghost in his mind, the man who caused all of this.

“Even when you had two eyes, you were only seeing half the picture,” Odin states calmly, and Thor wants to laugh and scream and  _ riot _ , because  _ obviously _ . But he needs to focus, he needs to figure out what to do, to find a way to stop her.

“It’s too late. She’s already taken Asgard.”

And, because Odin is Odin, he reveals that his most important piece of advice before dying was, in fact, just a metaphor.

“Asgard is not a place,” he tells Thor. “It is wherever our people stand. And right now, those people need you.”

“And Hela?” Thor asks before he can stop himself, because he has never been particularly gifted with restraint. To the untrained eye, it appears as though Odin doesn’t react to the statement, but even with only one good eye, Thor knows how to spot Odin’s telling falter, the way his eye twitches slightly, his mouth downturned for a fraction of a second.

“She is an enemy of the people,” Odin surmises, but that’s not enough. Thor’s aware that Hela is probably close to really, truly killing him, but this is more important.

“Who made her that way?” Thor retorts. “She’s still Asgardian. She’s still family.” Odin doesn’t argue with that, just nods cryptically, looking into the space behind Thor before turning his back. Thor knows he’s losing his chance, knows that, no matter how much he wants to save Hela, he still needs a way to stop her. “I’m not as strong as you,” he admits, which is true, Odin has always been the stronger of them.

“No,” Odin murmurs, half turned back. He’s smiling, Thor realizes, just slightly. “You’re stronger.”

 

~

 

VALKYRIE

 

One minute, she’s back to back with Loki, slicing through the hordes of monsters around them, and the next the creatures just sort of… get fried. It’s epic, actually, watching Thor with the full extent of his powers, just pummeling zombies left and right. It’s just the sort of thing that revamps battlefield spirits. She remembers how the other Valkyries used to repeat war-cries in the middle of particularly brutal moments, just to keep everyone going. Valkyrie grins. It’s the first time she’s felt like her old self in a long while.

All too soon, most of the bridge is cleared and all that’s left to think about is Hela. Valkyrie looks on at the palace with Thor and Loki, running through options and methods, trying to figure out a way.

“So, ideas, team?” Thor asks, grinning cheerily despite the gory wound that is his eye socket. Valkyrie doesn’t even need to look at Loki to sense his frown.

“Hit her with a lighting blast,” Loki commands, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. 

“I just hit her with the biggest lightning blast in in the history of lightning!” Thor balks. “It did nothing!”

Before Valkyrie could interject, the brothers begin squabbling, back and forth and on and on, blah, blah, blah. She tunes them out and focuses on Hela, whose dark form she could see even from afar. Death. Thor’s thunder or lightning or whatever wasn’t going to do a thing against death. It’s one thing to beat the Hulk or that other guy Thor mentioned fighting, the fire dude, the one who was trying to cause--

“Ragnarok,” Valkyrie whispers to herself. Oh, it’s a bad idea, a very bad idea, just horrible enough to work. “Ragnarok,” she repeats, louder, looking between Thor and Loki’s clueless expressions. Valkyrie sighs. “We need to kickstart Ragnarok.” Both of them open their mouths to protest, eyes wide, but she cuts them off with a quick shake of her head. “It’s the only way to beat her.” Thor considers for a moment.

“Asgard’s not a place,” he murmurs, quiet for a moment before snapping his attention back to Loki and Valkyrie. “Okay. Ragnarok. Loki, I need you to grab Surtur’s crown. But don’t do anything with it, not yet.” He frowns, glancing at the palace then back to the group. “We have to try to reason with her.”

“No,” Valkyrie shouts before she even processes what he’s said. “No, no,  _ no _ . She’s a killer, she’s a villain, she is a  _ monster _ .”

“Brother, I appreciate that you feel the need to talk her down, but that’s a horrible plan even by your standards,” Loki adds, his voice oddly tender. Thor smiles and sets a hand on Valkyrie’s right shoulder and Loki’s left.

“I’m doing this because I’ve learned that everyone deserves a second chance,” he declares, gaze flickering to Loki for a minute. “Or a hundredth chance. Our father made so many mistakes as a king, including making Hela into the monster she’s become. I want to right those wrongs, and I’m going to start here.”

“Oh,” Loki replies, eloquent as ever. He takes a moment to recover, to think, then returns to himself. “Bold move, brother,” Loki admits with a growing smile, “even for me.” 

Valkyrie bites her tongue. She will always hate Hela, there is no mistaking that, but… Oh, it pains her to say it, but Thor’s plan is  _ noble  _ and probably the right thing to do and  _ apparently  _ that is something Valkyrie cares about now. Also, the scheme sounds like a fantastic distraction to allow the Asgardians to get away.

“Fine,” she agrees, crossing her arms and bucking Thor’s hand off her shoulder. “But when she kills us all, my last words will be, ‘I told you so.’”

“Noted,” Thor nods, grinning wider. “Time for the fun!”

 

~

 

THOR

 

If he’s being completely honest--which, wow, why would he ever do that?--Thor doesn’t think the plan is actually going to work. He has to put in the effort, he knows, but he’s sure he’ll end up dead by the end of the hour. But the Asgardians will be gone, Valkyrie and Loki with them, he’ll make sure of it, by the time Hela understands what’s happening, and that’s enough. He could see Heimdall as a better king than he’d ever be. Maybe even Valkyrie. Still a hard no to Loki.

It’s after Hela cuts through his shoulder that he knows for sure he’s not getting out of this alive. Valkyrie rushes into the fight before he can stop her, and gets a nice thrashing for it. Hela is going to win and, by Odin, Loki is the only one who can possibly save them now. They were screwed.

And then Hela’s attention--turns out she had harpooned Thor, but the pain was all just blending together now, so that was nice--shifts towards the other end of the bridge. Thor musters just enough energy to peek out of his good eye, though not enough to shout out happily when he sees Loki, crown of Surtur in one hand and torch of the Eternal Flame in the other.

“Now, perhaps we can reach some sort of agreement,” Loki grins, sounding more like a snake than ever. 

“Put that down,” Hela commands, and Thor doesn’t have to see her face to know that she is terrified. It would be the end of Asgard, the end of her.

“Give up, Hela,” Thor breathes, sounding much worse than he felt (though he was going numb, which was disconcerting). “Let us help you.”

“ _ Help _ me?” she scoffs. Her hand catches his throat again. “I don’t need any help from  _ you _ .” Thor tries to speak, but his words came out garbled and choked.

“Let him go,” Loki demands, his voice practically a growl. If the situation were less dire, Thor may have thrown him a  _ Brother, you do care!  _ Nevertheless, Hela’s grip eases on his throat. They might actually have a chance.

“What father did to you was wrong,” Thor murmurs. “I’m not going to be that type of king.”

“You’re not going to be king at all,” Hela sneers, shaking him in such a way that Thor can glance towards the freighter ship full of Asgardians and the lone figure, giant sword in hand, stationed in front of it. He raises his sword with one hand, brings his other hand up to point directly at them, and Thor smiles. “I would never take your help.”

“Not willingly, no,” Thor answers, and is able to find just enough in his energy reserves to push away from her in time for Heimdall’s magic to reach her, push her, and trap her far off in the prison they had made for Loki. Thor isn’t sure it’ll hold, but it’s their best chance. Otherwise, Ragnarok.

Valkyrie is above him, suddenly, and Thor realizes he’s sprawled on the ground. She kicks at his side and frowns.

“You’ve had better days,” she jokes, then offers him her hand. He shakes his head.

“No, no, I’m going to--I’ll be here for a while, thanks.”

“So we just leave her in there?” Loki calls, now holding the Eternal Flame and the crown as far apart as he can. 

“I hadn’t really thought past putting her in there,” Thor admits.

“There needs to be a guard,” Valkyrie declares. “She’ll never stop trying to escape.” Thor opens his mouth to speak but someone else cuts in.

“I’ll do it,” volunteers Loki, which does not sound right. Thor angles his head and, yes, that was Loki. 

“Brother--” Thor starts, but Loki is talking again.

“Who better rehabilitate a current villain than a former villain?” he argues, his smile evident in his voice. Thor hums. There is logic there, but that plan would require Thor to trust Loki, something he isn’t equipped to do yet.

“I’ll stay with him,” another voice cuts in, and Thor turns his head again--he needs to stop doing that, he gets a new migraine every time--and finds Heimdall leaning on his sword a few paces away. Thor hums again. Part of him thinks this doesn’t sound like a half-bad plan, and the other half of him is not able to think for  the time being.

“Okay,” he decides. “Well, I can hang around with all of you and--”

“No, you leave,” Heimdall decides. “You’re king now, Thor. You’ve got people to rule.”

“Yeah, but, I don’t think I’m the guy for that job,” he admits. He tries to sit up, feels woozy, and thinks better of it.

“You’re literally the only guy for the job, Thor,” Valkyrie points out, kicking at him again.

“Maybe I’m the only guy, but not the only girl,” Thor says. He realizes it sounded like a much better line in his head. “I mean, why don’t you do it?”

“I don’t want to be queen,” Valkyrie laughs, and keeps laughing as though it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard. “Yikes! That’s a no. Job’s yours.”

Thor hears steps coming closer and then Loki is above him, then squatting down closer.

“You’ll make a much better king than our father, brother,” he whispers, and his smile actually looks genuine. The first genuine smile Thor’s ever seen from Loki. It slips away in an instant, but Thor files it away in memories he must keep. “Now,” Loki says, straightening up, “time for you to go, and time for me to begin a crash course in ex-villainy.”

Thor didn’t move. In fact, Thor didn’t move for a whole four hours after, relying on Valkyrie (with the eventual help of Korg) to carry him onto the ship and into the nearest bed. He passed out at some point in there. Somewhere, deep within himself, he was afraid to return to dreams of Ragnarok, of violence and bloodshed, or destruction and death. Instead, he dreamt about returning to Asgard (the place) one day, tearing down the palace his father had built, and making a new one for him and his family.

He supposed it hadn’t been a mistake to enter the Devil’s Anus after all.  
  



End file.
